Really Terrible Theories

Came across a site the other day called Stupid Lost Theories. There's been a conspicuous lack of posting since the end of April, but what's up there -- reader-submitted theories that are (usually) purposefully awful -- is pretty darn funny. For example:

Each survivor is linked to one of the numbers. I mean there are 6 survivors and 6 numbers and I don't think it's a coincidence:
4: Sun. Her dress size

8: Hurley. What he did with food.

15: Kate. The age she acts.

16: Aaron. His weight.

23: Sayid. Number of ways he can kill a man using his feet.

42: Jack. Number of times he cries per day.

It got me thinking about some real terrible theories of yesteryear. With a show like Lost comes a lot of rabid fans who spew lots of conjecture on message boards, and unfortunately, not all of those are going to be smart. My all-time favorite? "Ana-Lucia didn't actually shoot Shannon," which gained so much traction I lost a little bit of faith in the intelligence of humanity.

The confusion came at the end of Season 2's "Collision": Shannon's running off in the jungle, Ana-Lucia thinks the Others are coming, Shannon appears, Ana shoots her. End of story, right?

Unfortunately, the way the scene was edited, Shannon and Ana were never clearly in the same frame together, and Shannon's gunshot wound, thanks to the rain, looked kinda-sorta like a knife wound. So people decided that this meant Shannon and Ana weren't actually in the same place, or maybe that an Other stabbed Shannon before Ana shot her, and maybe Ana shot that Other, or maybe she just missed altogether.

Message boards were flooded, whole web pages with screenshot after supposedly-smoking-gun screenshot were posted, and I hung my head, embarrassed to even be arguing with these people. Here's one example of a true believer whose comment is unfortunately still online:

Ana Lucia didn't kill Shannon. Look at screen-caps found on lost-forum(dot)com - it's pretty clear that whoever shot Shannon (and there is speculation that she was stabbed - not shot) is holding a gun in the left hand, not the right hand as Ana Lucia was. We may have heard Ana Lucia's gun firing in relatively close proximity to Shannon and Sayid at the moment that someone else killed Shannon. Whatever it is, I'm almost certain that the simple answer - that Ana Lucia is responsible for Shannon's death - is not the real answer.

Glad that worked out for you, "Tom."

That whole episode was like a beacon for stupid theorists. You know how Shannon kept seeing Walt, and then right before she died, Sayid saw him too and Shannon said "you believe me now?" On that same comment board I linked to, you can find somebody say they didn't think Sayid saw Walt -- because he didn't say anything.

Look, he looked right at him. Understanding the language of film should not be this difficult. Somebody punch me if my theories ever begin to suck that hard.

TAGS: Links, Stupid Theories, Theories
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